cinema review

If more than a few of these apply to you, you just might have a DVD problem… with contributions from members of the DVD Talk Forum.

• Your six-year-old tells you that she prefers the full screen format to anamorphic widescreen and you send her to bed.
• Your wife begged you (unsuccessfully) to see Moulin Rouge in the theater, but you counted the days to the DVD release.
• You feel the need to lie to even anonymous people on the internet - downgrading the number of DVDs you really own.
• You look forward to seeing the movie (the second time) on DVD more than seeing it the first time at the movies.
• You bought a movie that you didn’t really like simply because you heard it had great bonus features.
• You started a thread on the internet asking for when The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring is coming out on DVD, and the movie hasn’t been released theatrically yet.
• You are thinking about living on pet food just so you can purchase a region-free DVD player.
• You bought Eisenstein - The Sound Years: Criterion Collection and you don’t even know what ‘The Sound Years’ are let alone who the heck Eisenstein was.
• You swing the conversation over to when the uncut edition of the Boondock Saints will be available in Region 1 with the additional two minutes like it is in Japan… at your son’s hockey game.
• You bought the special edition, collector’s edition, the ultimate edition (rated) and the ultimate edition (unrated) of American Pie and you didn’t even like the movie.
• You purchased a used version of The 400 Blows for $400 on Ebay “just to fill out your Criterion Collection” when a perfectly good version by another distributor is available for $25 new (you also just might now understand what ‘The 400 Blows’ really means).
• You wanted to deck some guy on the internet for his opinion of snap cases versus keep cases.
• You bought two copies of The Beyond just because at $14.99 the special edition tin seemed like such a deal.
• You bought a round of drinks to celebrate the news that Willy Wonka would be coming out in widescreen after all.
• You stay up late searching the latest DVD, pressing up, down, left, and right searching for ‘hidden’ Easter eggs.
• You enthusiastically responded to the forum poll: Your Five Favorite DVD Menus.
• You’ve posted so much on a DVD message board that you’ve been given the status “DVD Evangelist”.
• You have trouble sleeping on Monday nights because you’re so excited about the next day’s releases.
• You have the time to come up with 43 reasons why you have a DVD problem.
• Your six-year-old knows what anamorphic widescreen format is.
• You’ve ever agonized over how to organize or display your DVDs.
• You know exactly when your favorite unreleased DVD is coming out, but forget your the date of your anniversary.
• You buy Johnny Mnemonic even though you know the movie SUCKED, just to have the SuperBit version.
• You have stacks and stacks of DVDs waiting for months to be entered in your online DVD tracking site.
• You can list every film being released on DVD for the next six consecutive weeks.
• You can remember the exact price you paid, and the deal you got on any particular DVD in your collection.
• You hide the credit card bills for all the DVD purchases the previous month.
• You rush home to get to the mailbox first, or happen to work nights and set your alarm to get up in the middle of the day to get the mail before your wife/girlfriend/significant other can see what you’ve ordered.
• You have a conversation with a fellow DVD collector on a break at work talking about special features, ultimate editions, the deal you got on a DVD, etc., and your co-workers look at you like you are some kind of super freak from outer space.
• You are on your computer, and check back & refresh the DVD message board more than six times an hour, looking for new posts.
• You started collecting DVDs a year after your friend turned you on to them, and have since surpassed their total collection, and you take great pleasure in this fact.
• You have several hundred DVD movies in your collection and still can’t find something you want to watch.
• You can extrapolate every date’s day of the week for the next six months by using Tuesdays as a guide (ie “March 16 is a release date so March 18 must fall on a Thursday”.
• You start your day with a cup of java and a DVD web site’s bargain section so you don’t miss any misprices.
• You walk around with your eyes squinted so that the world appears to be in widescreen format.
• You spend so much money on DVDs that your wife puts you on a monthly budget for the new year, and by January 9th you’ve already spent your budget through May 15.
• Your seven year old wants to watch a movie, and the first thing they do is check the audio menu to see if it has either 5.1 or DTS. (Thanks to Star Wars Guy)
• Your collection is cited as one of the reasons for your divorce. (Thanks to hiphopkid)
• You find yourself being interviewed by the NY Times concerning DVDs and collecting. (Thanks to gutwrencher)
• You get a post office box that you don’t tell your wife about! (Thanks to divemaster)
• You’re on a first name basis with the majority of the postal staff because you get so many packages. (Thanks to nemein)
• You took out a second mortgage when an online DVD retailer had a “20% off” sale. (Thanks to Sex Fiend)
• Your tears of joy at reading the announcement of the Star Wars Trilogy box set turned to wails of sorrow upon learning that it is the SE version of the films. (Thanks to Sex Fiend)
• You got in a fistfight at Best Buy over the single copy of the recalled Ed Wood DVD on the shelf. (Thanks to Sex Fiend)
• You think of your paycheck in terms of how many DVDs you can buy. (Thanks to pat00139)
• You like to make fun of Joe Sixpack’s DVD viewing habits but you spend countless hours on a DVD forum whining about cover art, the lack of inserts, and a 1/4 of a sec. crotch shot missing from a cartoon character. (Thanks to eXcentris)
• You sneak newly bought DVDs into the house and put them on the rack hoping they will blend in and your wife doesn’t notice the twenty-five you’ve bought in the past month. (Thanks to freudguy)
• You buy a full season of Star Trek Voyager for $100.00. (Thanks to jessebo)
• Your dvd tracking list contains 893 titles, but really, you only have 52. (Thanks to gutwrencher)
• Your two year old says the “DVD cover stinks. Make new.” And you agree and you do. (Thanks to Randy810)
• Your main concern on vacation is the shipping time to Netflix and don’t know where the nearest post office is in this town. (Thanks to bdots48)
• You spend an ungodly amount of time reorganizing your collection to alphabetize it and a month later you’ve received enough DVDs that you need to do it again. (Thanks to DVDude!)
• You and your significant other keep your DVDs separate because you don’t want “chick flick” titles like Dirty Dancing in your collection and she doesn’t want gore titles like The Dead Next Door in hers. (Thanks to DVDude!)
• You and your significant other argue over who will be the one to buy a new release so it can be in their collection. (Thanks to DVDude!)
• You spend too much on building up your Criterions and forget that Valentine’s Day is coming soon and you’re broke! (Thanks to drjay)
• You remodel your home to accomodate more shelf space, knowing that those shelves too will soon be full. (Thanks to nightmaster)
• Spine numbers are more important in your life than women. (Thanks to RyoHazuki)
• You check the DVD release master list to see your contribution added for posterity’s sake, and realize the credit was given to someone else. (Thanks to divemaster)
• You have an anxiety attack when your wife goes for the mail. (Thanks to ChrisHicks)
• You read this list and nod your head a lot.